Marital bliss rocked by economic woes

MARRIAGE trouble is booming in South Africa as economic woes increase and tight finances place more and more stress on families.

The country‘s debt counsellors are increasingly referring couples to marriage counselling as high debt burdens lead to divorce.

“We have wives asking that we don‘t tell their husbands how badly in debt they are, or vice versa. We have screaming matches in front of counsellors when the wife discovers the husband has three credit cards and then he discovers she has four,” Consumer Assist chief executive Andre Snyman said.

Consumer Assist is South Africa‘s largest umbrella network of debt counsellors accredited in terms of the National Credit Act.

“We now have psychological counselling available for our debt counsellors because they are seeing increasing numbers of very distressed people. Couples are fighting, their children are being harassed by schools because fees haven‘t been paid and coping skills are being eroded as debt counsellors deal with very depressed or suicidal people,” said Snyman.

Veteran marriage counsellor Liz Dooley of the Family Life Centre in Johannesburg said: “Arguments about money often lead to arguments about sex, both are about power. Traditionally, the man exercises power over the wallet if he is the breadwinner, while a woman exercises power in the bedroom.”

She advises that couples should see a financial crisis as “an opportunity to revisit values. Money issues are often not about rands and cents, it is about how you see yourself in the world.

“Let‘s see financial problems not as a punishment but as a way to bring creativity into the relationship. Is money about status? Do you really need another pair of shoes?”

Dooley said schools which gave pink slips to children in front of classmates, or would not let them to go to matric dances because parents had not been able to afford school fees, “should reconsider their strategies. Children can‘t earn, this is not their responsibility.” Japie Coetzee, a pastor and trauma counsellor who helps debt counsellors said there was a saying in Afrikaans: when poverty comes in the front door, loves goes out the back.

He said he had personal experience some years ago when interest rates soared after he and his wife had bought a house. “My wife became concerned about finances and was withdrawn and quiet.

“There are often issues around trust, betrayal, failure and disappointment. People may become desperate because they feel helpless and all of this relates to fear,” he said.

Coetzee said couples needed to create situations of “openness and trust so if there is a problem they feel safe”.

“Couples should avoid trigger words like 'if only', ‘because‘ or 'it‘s your fault'.

Anger is often a smokescreen for those who feel disempowered,” Snyman said. “Organisations like Family Life Centre do wonderful work, often for free, but they too are hard hit by the financial crisis. We need businesses to assist these organisations.

“But ultimately resolving debt problems needs to be approached in a holistic manner. It impacts on every area in an individual‘s life – their self esteem, friendships and family relationships, the way they see themselves.

“Any delay in getting help can make a bad situation worse. In the United States house repossessions are up 70 per cent, that‘s an astonishing figure. Here the estimates are 2000 homes lost each month. There are lots of ways to find help and debt counselling is a way to accelerate the road to recovery.” – Sapa

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