| January 24, 2009 |
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I‘m allergic to most of it but, hey, life goes on regardless
I HAD a persistent cough, so I did the usual thing: bought some Echinacea drops. I know the real cause of the cough, of course. It‘s Joburg. I‘m allergic to Joburg, the smog, the second-hand smoke, the aircon, the dry, the wet, the calm, the stress, the bloody hecticness is making me cough. I‘m going to cough as long as I live in Joburg. But at intervals, the cough will go into remission. Generally this has been achieved with Echinacea. But this time, no. So I go to a homeopath, a belief I have had since my mom started taking me to Doctor Cox in Park Drive back in the day. So I go to this homeopath, and the guy heals me. But they also convince me to test for food allergies. Many chronic conditions are caused by being allergic to certain foods, apparently. So okay, I do it. I let them take my blood. What the hell. As I say, the homeopath has already healed me. I‘m well. I had a virus, and he did something where they take blood and irradiate it with UV rays and then pump it back in. Fixes you quick-quick. This food-allergy test is an extra thing. Two weeks later, I get an e-mail with the results of my blood test. According to the lab, I display above average sensitivities to milk, eggs, yeast, cereals, cheeses, nuts, fruit and vegetables, fish and meat. I‘m sure you‘ll agree that‘s a fairly comprehensive list of allergies. The e-mail was followed by a phone call from the centre counseling me on what foods I should exclude from my diet. I still can‘t work out if I‘m allowed anything! The only substances that aren‘t mentioned in my list of allergies seem to be alcohol, sugar and drugs! And all the while I‘m feeling like a million bucks! Never felt better. Meanwhile, I‘m reading scientific proof of how I‘m allergic to the 21st century! Here‘s the diagnostic lab implying that I‘m incompatible with every food on the menu. I had half a mind to interpret it as an injunction to give up food and go on a diet of whisky, Red Bull, cocaine and cigarettes. But then the paranoia kicked in. What if I‘m on the verge of totally bowing out? What if, despite feeling great, my body is actually on its last legs, on the very threshold of collapsing beneath the avalanche of allergic substances I‘m bombarding it with. That milk and All-Bran I‘m having for breakfast, all those Nando‘s lunches, those pasta dinners! I could be one meal away from a total system shutdown! It turns out I‘m slightly less allergic to meat, so I can eat that. But they did warn me that, if you eat too much of a food, you develop a sensitivity to it, and next thing you‘re allergic. So I‘m allowed one thing, but I‘m guaranteed to become allergic to it. So you‘re forced to return to the “Ag, bugger it” argument. Everything‘s killing me slowly. I live in Joburg, for goodness‘ sake. And life still feels good, so let‘s keep it that way. Life‘s for the living – not abstaining.
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